


SKY ⇻ [ bertholdt hoover ]

by PaperBagPetrichor



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Teen Angst, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2019-11-15 08:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18070331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaperBagPetrichor/pseuds/PaperBagPetrichor
Summary: ❛ sky | noun ;; the region of the atmosphere and outer space seen from the earthalt. the mass of clouds and colors that extend far beyond these walls ❜In which [y/n] reaches for the sky and finds herself held in Bertholdt's arms.





	1. [ introduction ]

⇻ 

❝ he is my sky and i am his ground

together, we can make the world ❞ 

⇻ 

Even from a young age, you were fascinated with the weather. You'd bury your face in illustrated books just to see how the background was drawn, and every day, beg your father - a local fisherman - to predict the patterns in the atmosphere. All moments of your life were breathed with at least half your brain filled to the brim with knowledge of types of clouds or how to tell when the sun would set.

But by far your most treasured memories were those of your older sister. Seven years your elder, Mamie [l/n] joined the Garrison and quickly climbed up in ranks to become one of the most respected squad leader in the branch. You missed her terribly; with the position she held, Mamie rarely found time to visit. But when she did, the stories she brought with her were always worth the wait. You were enraptured by the tales of the walls.

Yet more than anything, you wanted the stories of the skies. To be so close to them - to see them, to smell them, to touch them...you had found yourself longing for the day that you too would be able to join the Garrison alongside your sister.

That day would never come.

And you would never see the skies the same way again.

⇻ 

start ⇻ 03202018

finish ⇻ ????????

 

disclaimer: slow updates ;-;


	2. [ i ]

She had hair of pale clouds and honey, a mixture of sunlight and fog and platinum waves, nebulous billowing tresses that draped down across her back like sprawling ivy breathing in a new day every minute, every second, every fraction of a heartbeat that you could be in her presence. It was a crown of amber atop a throne of a delicate neck, a medium build, and two long, lithe legs. The embodiment of an elder sister and all that she was. Her hair was full and unashamed and her most prized possession, and she would share this golden treasure with you.

You were a head above the clouds, a mind caught somewhere between the vastness of space and the gravity of earth, ensnared in that trap of reality and idealism that you could never seem to escape. Your ears were the tallest trees and your brain was a cerulean lung inhaling blueness and whiteness and grayness and your dreams were the very structure of the skies. A girl of pictures and air and skies and love. Clouds and nebulae, maps of paths you would never travel down, stars that would blow out but you wouldn't realize, couldn't realize, until millions of billions of years later because outer space is that vortex that it has always been, sucking in light and curiosity and hiding it somewhere just out of reach. The clouds that drifted across the sky were not clouds. They were shapes and stories, tales and telepathy of messages that only you could decode. They were your best friends. And they were always there.

The clouds were your friends and your family and your world, and your sister was a cloud, too; one of ambition and determination and stubbornness and raw beauty in its rarest form. If the roles were reversed you knew she wouldn't have said the same of you. You were meek. A follower, perhaps - someone who only became inquisitive when others' queries demanded it. And that was okay. You were the fisherman's youngest daughter, the older sister's little joy, the greatest clouds' proudest achievement.

In the daytime you studied for your classes, played with your sister, and watched the clouds. Come nightfall, when your father returned from the lakes where he fished, you would always ask him a question: "What's the weather tomorrow?"

He was an experienced fisherman, used to the changing of the skies and the affects it had upon the tides beneath them. More often than not he would provide a sufficient enough answer. Its accuracy was usually correct, but on the days when it wasn't, you never minded. These unexpected turns kept you searching for the patterns, the ones that would say, no matter what, with complete and total positivity, what tomorrow's clouds would hold. You knew that there was some rhyme or reason to it. What exactly that rhyme or reason was, however...well, that's what you had your future for.

But sometimes you were nothing more than the girl beneath the clouds.

The first time your father and sister got into an argument, you were only three years old. You didn't remember much of that day, of course, perhaps because of your young age or perhaps because you wanted to forget it; forget its existence and its causes and everything that occurred because of it. The shouting was still in your mind.

You didn't remember it well, but you remembered its effects. After the first blasts were released, you'd hidden beneath your bed, hugging your knees to your chest and feeling as though the walls were closing in on you. Again and again loud voices were heard, yells and shouts, groans and sarcastic laughter. Of it all, the one thing you could recall without a hitch was what your father's final, breathless, harsh words on the topic had been.

"Mamie [l/n], as long as you are my daughter, you are not joining the Garrison. You will not die like your mother."

Your sister, Mamie, had burst into the room the two of you shared, tears in her eyes and arms wrapped around her chest, like she could protect herself from the truth, from her father's overprotective will. She had slumped onto her bed, across the room from yours. And she had put her head in her pillow and sobbed.

This was when you'd emerged. Being young and innocent, filled with the pure compassion only seen within children, you had lifted yourself onto her bed and quietly asked, "What's wrong?"

Mamie was a good sister. The perfect sister, perhaps, because despite her internal torment, she pulled herself together for you. If there was one thing she would never do, it was hurt you by her own selfish manners. She would always be your beacon, you pillar of light, regardless of how much darkness she herself was facing.

"Let's read about the clouds," she had responded softly.

Your heart had fluttered in your chest. When Mamie read to you, the rest of the world didn't matter, because it was only you in her lap, playing with her hair of sunshine, listening to her voice of gilded intelligence and gentle reassurance, looking at the sketches of the clouds in your small encyclopedia. She read elegantly - she had all her life - but on that day not a single word was missed, a single syllable mispronounced. And the two of you had sat, age three and age ten, huddled together atop the covers, viewing your troubles away.

But this was only the first time.

The first of many.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You begin to get familiarized with your fellow trainees during induction.

A small crevice lay hidden between the peaks and valleys of the gently rolling hills, flowing back towards the horizon like a wave of liquid green, slowly inclining steeper and steeper until they were no soft slopes but rather sharp, jagged ridges of land. Not quite mountains, not quite yet. They were still certainly enough to give the most experienced hiker occasional bouts of trouble.

Perhaps the cliff-abundant, hardly-habitable, unpopulated location had been chosen with a purpose. After all, if one wanted to keep to themselves, there was no better way to ensure such a possibility than with a boundary of bountiful barriers. It undoubtedly took a lengthy period of time to map the area, much less set it up for human use.

Someone had still done it.

Prematurely-constructed wooden shacks lined the minuscule portion of the range that wasn't filled to the brim with peril, following a winding, well-trodden dirt path that wove here and there without any particular direction. It was somewhat of a gradient: at first, the structures were measly in size and quality, packed with horses and haystacks; as one progressed, however, it faded to multiple hardier, sturdier buildings, both quite large in size, and then onto a just a handful of domiciles with considerable space. Quite frankly, it was a small town in and of itself.

Its inhabitants, primarily around their teenage years, were clustered together in a sandy, open expansion of the main pathway. They were buzzing with conversation, greeting new faces and smiling at the old; if not, they were quiet, maintaining their relatively reserved natures, and staying near the outskirts of the gathering. Almost everyone seemed to fall within one of those two distinct categories.

You, on the other hand, weren't quite sure where you belonged. On the outside you were just as blank a canvas as the most introverted loners, but on the inside you could feel your mind clambering precariously over its bank of emotions and rivers of memories. Somehow you had wound up still within the large group. More so on the fringe of it all, you were provided with a good prospect of everyone else. There was hardly a person there that you hadn't already seen before. You owed some of that to the night spent at the training grounds - after all, you had come to know a few people in your cabin, albeit very informally and very hurriedly. Most people hadn't wanted to talk at all, but there were always a few.

Krista, for instance. A petite blonde girl whose blue eyes seemingly struck down into the depths of your soul, she had been kind enough to start your first conversation, exchanging casual greetings and commonalities. You two were quite similar in most ways. Having gotten along well, you would've appreciated the idea of spending more time with her, but an unfamiliar tall brunette had swept her away somewhere between lulls in the consultation.

Of course, her disappearance hadn't gone unnoticed. Soon enough you were acquainted with the culprit. Freckled and rather unrestrained, Ymir had taken an interest in you (and, more specifically, Krista). She was different enough to distract you from the terrors that had begun to form within your mind about the next day. For that, you were grateful.

Now the two of them stood in close proximity to one another, but you were off in another area of the grounds. Left to your own devices, your mind had begun to wander, but it hadn't gotten very far. Those fears had caught up with you. The great, unanswered 'whens' and 'whys' and 'whats' were swelling up within your brain, causing a profuse headache as your brain practically scraped against the sides of your skull, sending a sickening stream of suffering through your veins, mixing with your excited yet distressed adrenaline until the two were indifferentiable from one another. It took everything you had to keep standing on your own feet and not collapse into a heap of anxiety.

A sudden flood of silent sternness washed over the group. You felt it, too, and fell in step with those in front of you, assuming the respectful position you'd learned just a few days ago on your journey here. Legs slightly apart. Left hand bent back against your shoulder blades. Straight posture. And, of course, your right hand curled into a ball, resting shakily above your heart.

It didn't take long for you to realize what had sparked this sudden uniformity.

In a matter of mere moments your commander - Commander Shadis, as you were quickly informed - was giving you a cursory introduction, running through the rules of the Trainee Corps and how exactly everything would work in this branch of military preparation. Most of this you tuned out. Mamie had already repeated the exact same speech, albeit much kinder and with far much more hope than Commander Shadis cared to express, a thousand times to you. "The Commander might seem scary," she'd said, "but that's his job. Don't get intimidated by him."

And so you didn't. The fear was there, oh, it was undeniably there, but you swallowed it down. You owed many promises to your sister. After all, even when out of training, who knew how long it would take for you two to see one another again? Perhaps the only reason you hadn't yet exploded with apprehension was because of Mamie's guidance.

It was only when Commander Shadis reached his next topic that you truly paid attention. "As you all know," he began, his harsh voice booming around the limitless wilderness, "if you shits survive until your graduation, there are three military branches. You should all know the Military Police." Here, he paused, eyes narrowing, their dead, yellow hue sweeping across each neatly-assembled row, carefully watching for a reaction.

Some people nodded their heads, others cheered, some clapped - it was clear that this was where a majority of the recruits wanted to be. Of course, the noise died down significantly after a final clarification was added.

"Only the top ten students can even consider joining."

This had no effect on you at all. You weren't becoming a member of the military to serve the king or lead the people, or live a life forever trapped inside the walls. To you, the job of the Military Police seemed rather trivial, and the restrictions surrounding who could enter were rather ridiculous in your mind. But it didn't matter to you whether you made it in the top ten or not - for your goal, you merely had to survive.

"The Survey Corps, who venture into Titan territory..."

Perhaps an equal amount of support travelled up into the open here as well. Most notably, the recruit whose name you couldn't quite remember but whose sheer amounts of rage you could never forget, and the two others that seemed to always be around him. You could understand why some would want to join. Exploring outside the walls, gathering information about the Titans...it all was quite interesting to you, regardless of the fact that you could never picture yourself on the front lines of the battlefield. So you didn't fall in with them, either.

No. You already knew where you were headed.

"...and the Garrison, who protect the towns and the walls."

Compared to the other two branches, this received almost no praise - at least, none that you could distinctly discern, but that, of course, may have been all too correlated with the fact that a wide, determined smile had spread across your face. The passion in your blood pounded against your ears and drained out all other noise. It was nothing but you and your destiny: you, the Garrison, the walls, the skies, and Mamie. That was all that mattered. That was all that you were here for. Being so high up, so close to the sky, so close to the clouds that you could reach out and touch them...

"Looks like you're excited."

And before you could even process what was happening, you were slumped on the dirt, head against the sparse grass, throbbing in painful rhythm alongside the fire of agony that was burning across your waist. When you finally got your sense of perspective back the first thing you saw was a raised foot hovering mere centimeters above your face.

Shocked, you scrambled for your composure, preparing what little remained of your frazzled mind to regain your balance and stand. Before you'd even gotten on your knees that foot connected with the back of your head, and you met ground once again. What...?

Not daring to make any further moves, your eyes slowly swivelled towards your assailant. Tall and blocking out the sunlight, standing solid and unmoving, needlelike eyes piercing your brain, Commander Shadis glared daggers down at you. "You can't even balance when standing up," he berated, "how the hell do you expect to handle 3D Maneuvering Gear?"

Not a note of compassion flickered through his voice, and in that moment you were truly and honestly stunned. Mamie had said nothing about what to do if this happened - as far as you were aware, the Commander had never done something like this to her. So why you? You had only given a soft smile, if you could even call it that...

Sure, Mamie had warned you against being too emotional, but grinning once? Did that really constitute a kick across the waist?

You remained completely silent in your state of supreme surprise until another order arose. "To your feet!"

Somehow you managed to do this - whether motivated purely by fear or if you had just become entirely emotionless at that point, you still weren't sure. You were sure, however, that Shadis was circling you like a shark round bloody water. Every part of you and your being was subject to his torment, and this thought, swirling and tearing up your mind, was internally spiraling into a tornado.

Mamie's words found their way back to you. "You just have to remember to breathe. And if he asks your name, say it loud, say it proud. Usually he'll back off if he sees competence."

Right. Okay. This provided a sense of comfort to you as the Commander stared your small form down.

"Who are you?" It wasn't a question as much as a command.

You took in a small breath. "Cadet [L/n], Commander Shadis, sir!" Your voice was unexpectedly powerful, and you found some strange source of courage welling up in your throat. This wasn't so bad. And it would be over soon, too, because that was what Mamie had promised.

Much to your disappointment, Shadis' face took on a grimmer expression, if such a thing was even possible. "That must run in the family." And then all was silent.

He walked past you as though you were nothing more than a fly in a barn; worthless and puny and undeserving of the air it was breathing. You would've said something back if he had retorted with anything else. After all, you and Mamie had ran through practice scenarios for every possible outcome of what could be said to you...but this...this was something else entirely, something that hurt more than getting kicked to the ground and your face stomped upon with the bottom of a boot. You desperately searched for something, anything, please, even if it was stupid, just something to say, something, anything, don't end on this note, no no, he hadn't said that, he hadn't meant that.... The pressure building against the back of your eyes was unstoppable, but you grit your teeth and fought it back.

Sure. Maybe he should've said something like that. Maybe you should've expected it. You had never really known your mom. You didn't remember her at all. But you didn't care about that fact, because regardless of how close you two had been or how long you'd gotten to love one another, she was still a member of your family, and you owed your very existence to her. She had died the death of a warrior...and Commander Shadis had just insulted her like that? You felt your fingers clench at your side and tried to fall back into a more relaxed state. Because Mamie had been right - it was over soon enough, and it was over now, so now you didn't have to worry about it anymore.

And yet...you couldn't stop yourself from wondering. Had Mamie been asked the same questions? Given the same cut-and-dry answer? What had she done? Had she not told you because she didn't want you to worry, or think about mom, or have to run through another hundred simulations of different responses? You didn't know. You just tried to breathe and reminded yourself to let go of your doubt. Now one of the hardest parts was over - there was no need for you to have any woe over it now.

Others did, of course. You could faintly make out some of the trainees' responses to Shadis' high-decibel demands, sounds of flesh against flesh or boot against clothing, the rumbling of the ground against your feet as he gave a handful of others the same treatment he'd given you.Just block it out.

And although you managed to forget Commander Shadis for a moment, the topic of family still lingered in your mind. What was your dad doing now? Was he still angry at you? Did he think of you as a disappointment? Would he punish you if you ever had the chance to go home? The fear was closing in again but abruptly ended when a faint voice was heard in your ear.

"Hmm?" You mumbled quietly, eventually finding the source of the voice - a short boy with a buzz-cut and bruise marks around his forehead. He'd said his name was...Connie, you thought. Yeah. And Shadis went off on him, too.

He was still smirking, miraculously. "Check out that girl. Shadis almost seems scared of her!"

Gaze following Connie's, you eventually found yourself looking at a small blonde-haired girl, narrow, heavy-lidded eyes meeting Commander Shadis', hers holding perhaps even less emotion than his. Their stare lasted only a moment before Shadis moved on, but you weren't mindful of that. No - the girl was somehow still exuding that same coldness that she had last night. You'd caught her name, Annie, because some boy had constantly been teasing her about her height and how she couldn't have gotten a top bunk even if she'd wanted one.

She'd given the boy a direct punch in the sternum.

How could she do that - face that fear without batting an eyelash? That was what Mamie must have meant. She'd always said there were a handful of people that just knew how to act in these sorts of situations. Perhaps Annie was one of them.

The boy that Commander Shadis was heading for next, though? Not so much.

He was a familiar face, too. Although maybe 'familiar height' would've been the better term, because you hadn't actually seen his features last night. He'd been nothing more than a shadow among the trio of Annie, the boy she'd punched, and himself. It was clear he was the tallest boy in the Training Corps - it was impossible to miss him.

But now that you actually saw his face...he didn't seem so domineering anymore. Despite his mammoth height, which you immediately would've associated with strength and anger and force, his face was soft and oval and his cheeks were tinged almost imperceptibly with red. Sweat beads dotted his forehead, and you could see him shifting his weight timidly from foot to foot. He was absolutely and completely terrified.

Something in his aghast expression struck a chord of sympathy across your heart. Mamie had told you that there would be those who were afraid, too, but that you couldn't do anything, or else you'd end up worse than them in the presence of the Commander. And yet you couldn't help from wanting to comfort him. Tell him what Mamie had told you: breathe, relax, get it done. It would be okay in the end.

Your feet were about to grow a mind of their own and force you to the boy's aid when Shadis suddenly gave an uppercut, his closed fist connecting with the soft portion of the tall boy's jaw and sending him stumbling back a few steps. Amazingly he was still on his feet, and you wanted to say something, anything, to let him know that it would be alright, he just had to get through this, but your hands had flown to your face to cover your gaping mouth.

"At this rate you'll sweat out all the water reserves." Commander Shadis left him with the same air of disregard that he'd given you.

The rest of the introductions continued, a few getting yelled at, a few getting ignored, a few facing physical punishment, undergoing the same hell that you had. Yet not once could you find it in your heart to look away from the tall boy. That was, until he somehow caught on to your gaze, and you quickly looked away. That was stupid of me. I need to be more observant of other things in the future. It was just training. He'd get over it.

Eventually the mass of trainees were released from the introductory phase, leaving them to mill about the yards and explore nearby if they so chose. Most headed for their assigned cabins, eager to claim a bed in the optimal location, but you didn't go with them. Rather you headed for a nearby inclination of the land.

It wasn't much in the way of a hill, but it was still a higher vantage point than anywhere else you'd seen yet. The vibrant sun shone between the leaves of the occasional trees dotting the ground round you. Dappled yellow light cascaded towards the ground, catching on the ever-taller grass and small, smooth rocks dotting the pathway here and there. For the first time since arrival, you felt your worries truly evaporate. The sunlight beamed them out of you and up into the sky - and what a beautiful sky it was.

You emerged beneath its saturated blueness on the other side of the small tree grove, finding yourself atop the tip of a sharp drop down into a lake a few meters below you. The air was fresh and pure and clean and the wind blew slightly against your uniform, taking with it a few sighs that escaped your lips, replacing the empty cavities of your chest with renewed peace and happiness and breath, air which you so desperately craved, skies which you so desperately needed.

On the cliff you stood, hands dangling at your sides, allowing the quietness of the wind to envelope you in its protective bubble. Here you were free. Here you didn't have to face strangers or insults or kicks. Here you could face the clouds; those wispy, translucent, feather-like cloud strands that subtly patterned the sky with white here and there. It was a mainly clear day, but you'd never desired a truly spotless one. The clouds were what interested you; what reminded you of home and gave you a chance to breathe them in.

Today they were light and nebulous, flowing across their high altitudes slowly but periodically, brilliant specks of white against the beautiful blue of the sky around them. And you closed your eyes for a moment and forgot the world around you. Only you and the clouds.

They were cirrus.

Your favorite.


End file.
